I Am a Ghost at Christmas

Christmas is a hard season for bereaved parents. We need a song.

Tristan loved Christmas. He was always eager to decorate and took it upon himself to build the Christmas village. He wore joy and glee on his sleeve before his depression set in. We lost him almost 6 years ago.

This song I wrote for my wife about our struggle with Christmas since he departed this world.

Verse 1
The tree is up, the lights are strung,
Christmas carols fill the air.
Parties and choirs, world dressed in snow,
and joy is everywhere.
I am the cold no fire will warm.
I am the draft beneath the door.
This season you loved is the one that I dread,
your absence is all that I hear.

Pre-Chorus
I hate the distance in my heart.
I hate the joy I fake.
I hate that I can’t feel it,
for everyone else’s sake.

Chorus
I am a ghost at Christmas,
warmth can’t find me here.
Every bell rings hollow,
every snowflake holds a tear.
The most wonderful time of year,
is the cruelest time for me.
I am a ghost at Christmas,
and I just want to disappear.

Verse 2
I still hear your laugh down the hall,
I see your eyes light up with glee.
You tossed our cats into the first snow,
that smirk in your smile is always with me.
You always set up the Christmas village,
every figure placed with care.
Now every corner whispers,
all the memories we shared.

Pre-Chorus 2
I hate the war within my chest.
I hate the pangs of pain.
I hate I can’t see past the grave,
to enjoy those who remain.

Bridge
A mother once held God’s only child,
kissed little hands and tiny feet.
One day she stood beneath the cross,
and watched those same hands bleed.
A sword promised long ago,
found her where she knelt.
Tonight that sword is in my heart,
I know just how she felt.

Chorus 2
So maybe heaven knows this wound,
maybe angels understand.
Why joy feels like betrayal,
why cheer never finds my hands.
Yet the God who watched His Son die,
Is the God who holds back the waves.
He’s the only one who’s able,
to hold a heart broken by a grave.

Final Chorus
This Christmas I am a ghost,
but I’m not alone in grief.
Emmanuel, God with us,
He’s the one who’s holding me.